It has been hard for me lately to get into the headspace for proper trance and devotion. I’m still recovering from large amounts of stress, and I feel like I keep also having taints of miasma. It’s been hard for me to relax. My place is dirty, my back hurts, and so I want to clean but it’s difficult. I keep feeling like I can’t do proper devotional rites without cleaning and cleansing any miasma in my space, but I can’t quite clean to the extent that I’d like because of the pain. A fall and the fact that I was cleaning other people’s spaces aggravated the sprain or whatever I may have in my back, and so the cycle continues.
Even with this vacation, family and other obligations grip me. This is one of the hardest aspects of a devotional life. Besides the psychological portions of it, of course. It’s finding the time in a busy and stressful life to do these devotions. It’s why Odin and the Gods have asked me to do devotions while I carry Them in my regular, mundane life. Since I don’t necessarily do work that reflects Their specialties (except for Odin and education), I’ve been at a slight loss as to what to do. Often when I teach, my headspace is fully immersed in the task at hand in order to do the job, and so I may not be thinking about my Gods. I can sometimes, if it’s not too demanding, but more often than not, it is. But, I know this is something that all devotees must do. Unless we are independently wealthy or fully retired, we must work, cook, clean, pay bills, spend time with family and friends (which of course can be fun, but also involves not-so-fun obligations too).
Odin is always in the background, of course. It’s His time of year, after all, and His eye is on those who fulfill His needs and love. The Wild Hunt is still sweeping through the air, even though it has been warm. I don’t live in a place that’s like northern Europe, and so our winters are without snow, with moderate temperatures to boot. Summer is piercingly hot. Rain falls short of that of moist northern Europe, and so our vegetation alternates between brown for most of the wheel with a short burst of green. Yet, He’s still here.
Sometimes I wonder what use He has of me. Yes, I know He loves me, but sometimes I think that I’m just an ordinary woman; who would care so much? I think devotees always ask these questions.
He tells me that I need to think of Him in the mundane moments, in my moments of stress, in my throes of psychological barriers. The divine is everywhere, and so in the proper headspace it’s so easy to access. When it’s not… well, it seems far away. Especially when I’m too tired to do proper cleansing and get into the mode of openness to the divine. However, if you don’t, then you’re even more stressed and you can’t fulfill your duties as a devotee. I need to get past these psychological barriers.
Speaking of psychological barriers, isn’t it interesting how many times in devotional lives all of our baggage and internal crap comes to the surface? I’ve heard it said many times by devotees, but now I feel like mine is really coming to the surface. Age-old insecurities. Low self-worth. The internal demons whispering in my ear. Bitterness. Cynicism. Terror of the future and how we humans are fucking it all up. It’s maddening. But, I did ask the Gods to take away all that I don’t need, and for me to purge whatever it is inside of me that prevents my devotion. I think this is all part of that. I guess I can’t complain about what I’ve asked for, hah! Odin would just tell me to stop bitching and just do something to improve my life. I think he is. That’s who He is.
I love Odin, and the light in His eye as He comes sweeping across the night sky, filling it and me with the tremor of the divine. How He wants to tear you apart to create something new. How He terrifies me. He does scare me to all fuck, but that’s just the way He is, the way Gods are, and what I and other devotees need. He transforms, He unfetters, He binds, He pierces your soul and body with His spear, calling you His. He turns you inside out, frontwards backwards, and you can’t help but follow Him. The idea of Him leaving me is just something I can’t fathom. Even when He is terrifying, even when I am scared to follow, I do. I can’t help it. He is my God.
When I do devotions, sometimes I can’t help it but to fall on my knees. Under the weight of the night storm, as is Odin, I can’t help myself. He is within me and without. Whether He whispers into my ear or shouts, He is there. While I may not know what He wants to do with me, an ordinary human as I am, He wants to twist me inside out to be the best of use to Him. It’s terrifying, but also the ecstasy that marks His name. I can’t help it, I can’t help it.
This rambling piece is now Odin’s, it seems. May it serve Him well. I love Him.